Eternally Grateful
by Jade S
Summary: Kind of a depressing fic from Matt's POV, it has some poetry in it (Figures huh) It's rated PG13 because it deals with like suicidal thought's and I dunno maybe I should of rated it R but it's really not that bad. Please read and review!


A/N: OK I started writing this when I was really depressed and then I finished when I was in a good mood so it's probably a little messed up. Basically part of it's a poem and part of it's a story, kind like a song fic but with poems instead of lyrics you know. Anyway the main characters are Matt and Mimi, it's not really a Mimato though, its more like a friendship sorta thing but who knows maybe you'll interpret it differently, it doesn't really matter to me. The whole things from Matt's POV contemplating suicide, it takes place sometime after they get back from the digiworld and Matt's just depressed about all of the things he's done wrong. And Mimi, I think I might have gotten her character a little bit wrong, but that's cause I was going for the understanding sincere Mimi, not the annoying ditz Mimi you know?  
  
Well, that's about it, you can go ahead and read it now, hopefully you'll enjoy it, but if you don't you'll probably hate it (Man I need better confidence) oh well just give it a read and review that's all I ask.  
  
~~~  
  
Eternally Grateful  
  
~~~  
  
How alone I feel  
  
How lost I am  
  
Surrounded by my pain  
  
Lost in the land  
  
Of my own darkness replaced  
  
By a wish to die  
  
A wish to leave this world  
  
To just say good bye  
  
So now it comes down to this  
  
And it's something that I know  
  
The true depths of my heart  
  
Keep telling me to let go  
  
And so I say good bye  
  
To this pain that I feel  
  
And with this blade  
  
My own life I shall steal.  
  
~~~  
  
The blade, it seemed to glisten beautifully in the light of the sun which was now flooding through my bed room window. It seemed the perfect way to leave this world, this harsh reality I knew as life, the empty existence that was me, something I considered to be a total and complete waste of space. That's probably why I wanted to leave so badly, to rid this already corrupted world of the hallow shell that was me, that's probably why I held the razor the way I did now with it's sharp blade lying ever so lightly on my wrist ready to draw blood and take me away from this world, to let me escape.  
  
It was the perfect way for me really, as much pain as posable, yeah that's what I deserved to go out not in a blaze of glory but in a painful pool of blood. Yes, I deserved that and so much more, and so I'd decided that this was for the best, I mean it's not as though I'll be missed, it's not as though it would change anything. And so I tightened my grip on the blade and began to apply pressure as I pressed it's sharp edge into my skin and watched as the blood began to pour out of the wound. And then...  
  
"Matt!" I heard someone exclaim from behind me and I dropped the razor letting it crash to the floor splattering blood on the carpet in deep red specs. "What the hell are you doing!?!" I whirled around to see Mimi standing at my bed room door, a look of pure shock and fear covering her pretty face. I looked away from her and down at my wrist for a brief moment to find that the bleeding wound I expected to see was no more then a deep scratch.   
  
My head turned back to Mimi and I know the look on my face said something along the lines of I don't know, what am I doing? "Mimi....I..." I stuttered not knowing what to say to the girl, I hadn't expected anyone to catch me in such an act, the act of taking my own life, how could I explain it, what was I doing? "What are you doing here!?!" I asked the expression on my face not changing in the least. And for some reason or another I was scared, now more then I was only moments ago when I'd attempted to take my own life, now more then ever.  
  
~~~  
  
Who is this girl  
  
And why has she come  
  
In these darkest of hour's  
  
When I needed no one  
  
When for once I really wanted  
  
To be all alone  
  
When my life I wished to end  
  
So through eternity I could roam  
  
I know she's my friend  
  
And I need her somehow  
  
But why of all times  
  
Did she have to come now?  
  
~~~  
  
"Matt...I...I just felt like stopping by." She began in a fearful and confused tone. "I knocked but no one answered, and the door was open so I..."  
  
"So you just barged in is that it!?!" I snapped. "Didn't it ever occur to you that I wanted to be alone!?!" Mimi looked hurt as I began to explode with the rage I'd carried with me for so long. I wanted to end it, that dark rage I held within me, I wanted to destroy it before it could hurt anyone else, before it could hurt me more then it already had. And now I guess I was taking it all out on Mimi. "I didn't answer for a reason you know, I don't want to see anyone right now!" I shouted though the true reason I hadn't answered was because I was so lost in thought that I hadn't even heard her at that door. "I just wanted to be alone Mimi, I just wanted to end it, to stop causing everyone pain, to...."  
  
"Shut up Matt, would you just shut up!?!" She shouted at me and I was taken aback by her angry tone which had cut me off mid sentence. "What are you talking about? You wanted to be alone so that you could stop causing everyone such pain by killing yourself. Matt don't you even realize how much more pain you'd be causing us all!?!"  
  
"No one cares about me Mimi, and why should they, I'm such a jerk, all I do is hurt the people I care about most!" I said honestly, at least that's how I felt anyway.  
  
"I don't believe you Matt, how can you not know how much I, we all care about you? Think of us, your friends, your parents, your bother for heavens sake, think of TK!" She said her voice full of compassion, and yet still laced heavily with anger.  
  
Think of TK, I thought to myself, could my sweet innocent little brother ever forgive for what I was about to do, could I really die knowing that by killing myself I'd be killing part of TK too? And once again I was at a loss for words, how did one respond to a comment like that in a situation like this? And maybe she was right, for TK's sake anyway, could I really go through with this, did I really want to?  
  
~~~  
  
What am I doing  
  
Do I really know  
  
Is this really for the best  
  
Do I really want to go  
  
Am I really alone  
  
Do I really want to leave  
  
And my family and friends  
  
Do I really want to deceive  
  
Is this what's right  
  
Or am I totally wrong  
  
Maybe I really do  
  
Want to go on.  
  
~~~  
  
"Matt, did you even hear me? Do you know what this would do to all of, us, do you even care!?!" Mimi asked me, and she did so with such a conviction, with such a passion that I could feel hot tears begin to well up in my eye's. Dammit, what the hell am I doing, what the hell was I thinking, how could I do this to them? And so I turned away so not to let her see the tears which were now spilling from my eye's.  
  
"Of course I care!" I shouted between sobs in a cracking voice so that it was obvious I was crying, even if she hadn't already noticed. "I care so much Mimi, I care so much but I do so little, and that's why I wanted to die. I wanted for you, my friends, my family, my brother, to have more, you deserve more, and I know it doesn't make any since but that's how I feel, that's why this seemed like the answer, it was the only way out!"  
  
"It's not the only way out Matt!" She said her tone now extremely serious. "It's the easy way out, and it's not the right way out, and I'm not going to let you do it!"  
  
The easy way out, I thought, she's right, I am taking the easy way out, and I'm only thinking of myself. "Your right." I said simply, whipping the tears from my eye's and turning around to face her once again. "But it feels so..."  
  
"Sometimes feelings can be deceiving, they can make you think what your doing is right, like it's the only thing you can do, but deep in your heart you know what's right." Her voice was calm as she said the words, who knew that Mimi of all people could see so clearly what I couldn't see at all, maybe that's why she got the crest of sincerity. It was amazing to me that she could be so right and I could be so wrong, that someone who came off so selfish and ditzy could have such a passionate heart and understand my feelings so well.  
  
"Thanks Mimi." I said giving her a weak smile, and knowing that without her I could very well be dead right now or dying. "Thanks for helping me understand."  
  
Mimi smiled back at me knowing that she'd just saved my life. "Hey, that's what friends are for." She said, and then extending a hand to me added. "Now c'mon, lets go get that cut cleaned up." I took her hand keeping that little smile as she pulled toward the washroom to examine my tiny wound. I guess I was wrong, I mean really, really wrong before, how could I think that this was the way out, how could I think that this would help? Either way Mimi had saved my life and for that I would be eternally grateful, not just for letting me live, but for making me want to, for giving me a reason to go on. And though I knew I'd die someday, at least I knew that I really wasn't alone, and that it wasn't my fault, at least then I'd die knowing that somebody cared.  
  
~~~  
  
So maybe I'll wait  
  
For that day   
  
When I am meant  
  
To go away  
  
So to the heavens   
  
I can fly  
  
With feathered wings  
  
Soar through the sky  
  
And let the angels   
  
take me home  
  
A place I'll never   
  
be alone  
  
I guess I can't   
  
Just leave my friends  
  
So I'll stay here on this earth  
  
Till it's meant to end  
  
But until that time  
  
When I should go  
  
I'll try to change  
  
I'll try to grow  
  
To make thing's better  
  
For us all  
  
Until that day  
  
The angels call.  
  
~~~  
  
The End  
  
~~~  
  
A/N: There you see, told you it didn't make much since, or maybe it was just me. Anyway if your reading this and thinking will she ever finish that story she's working on let me reassure I will! Well, that's about it, ummm... have a nice holiday weekend and stuff, bye. 


End file.
